USCMRPG

Since this place needs more humor (in my opinion), I have started a joke thread. Now there are a few rules to this.

1.) No knock knock jokes. Most of them are corny beyond belief.
2.) No corny jokes. Puns are fine, but nothing containing my daily limit of corn (which is none).
3.) Dirty jokes shall be told in this thread. Consider this first post a warning to those who just might be offended (although you should grow a tougher skin IMHO).







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I'll start it off in the next post

This guy goes to a whorehouse. The madam takes him upstairs and escorts him into a room with a hooker, who proceeds to tell him the prices.

"For five dollars, we can do it on the floor." she says. "It's ten dollars to do it on the couch, and twenty if you want it on the bed."

The guy hands her a twenty.
"Good choice." she says, and hops on the bed.

"No, no," the guy says, "I want four on the floor."

I'll try and top that one but I'm going to come right out and say that I'm awful at telling jokes.

Here goes.

Whats worse than sleeping with Michael Jacksons corpse?

Nothing.

pants wrote:I'll try and top that one but I'm going to come right out and say that I'm awful at telling jokes.

Here goes.

Whats worse than sleeping with Michael Jacksons corpse?

Nothing.

What if it rises from the grave and does Thriller?

My wife is a lawyer....so I razz her all the time with lawyer jokes...here's a couple....

-What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker....and the other one's a fish...

-Why does California have all the lawyers and New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps?

Jersey got first pick...


Yeah....my wife's a lucky woman....

My Chief sent me this in an email


A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

I'm just gonna say this right now...Obi...Ew.

I got one.

A man visits his wife in the hospital since she's been in a coma for six months. They've tried to wake her and nothing has ever worked. So one day he's visiting and the nurse comes in to give the wife a bath, she has a warm wet towel and begins cleaning the woman. She wipes down her genitals and the wife stirs a little in the bed. The nurse turns to the usband and says. "We've never gotten a response out of her like this. You know, it may sound weird but a little oral sex might help her." So the husband nods his head and the nurse leaves the room. Five minutes later the monitors flat line and the nurse rushes back into the room. The husband has his penis in the wife's mouth, the nurse shouts. "What happened?!"
Husband looks at the nurse and shrugs, "I don't know. I stuck it in and I think she choked."

Terrible but yeah...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at some of these jokes. In some cases I'm doing both.

Ok how about this.

Where does an alien queen sit?

Wherever the hell she wants.

That joke was more awful than two zombies dining at a preschool.

That joke was more awful than two zombies dining at a preschool.

That totally one upped the rest of our jokes.

Two zombies are eating a clown, and one turns to the other and asks "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

I'm rolling!!!

A man walks into a general store and finds the manager. I need a job and I can sell anything to anyone. The manager thinks about it for a moment.

"OK" the manager says, "watch how I do it and then we'll see what you can do."

When a customer walks in the manager asks "can I help you, sir?

The customer says he needs a lawnmower. "OK" says the manager, "can I get you a gas can with that?" The customer thinks for a moment and then buys the mower and the gas can.

The manager walks back to the man"Do you think you can do that?"

The man thinks for a moment"Yep, I sure can."

When another customer walks in the man walks up to hi. "How can I help you sir?"

"My wife needs tampons, where can I find them?" the customer asks

The man thinks for a moment. "Isle three. Can I get you a lawn mower and a gas can with that?"

"Why would I want a mower and a gas can?" the customer asked

"Well, you're not getting laid this week, you might as well mow the lawn"

LOL! Nice one Dirk!

Here's a couple of short; roll your eyes kinda jokes...

1. Why does the Easter Bunny hid his eggs?
-He doesn't want his wife to know he's been sleeping with chickens

1. What do you call a cow with no legs?
-Ground Beef

Here's a couple of slightly longer ones...

1. Want to know the difference between a young and dumb bull and an old and wise bull?

Two bulls are walking up a hill; one's young and dumb and the other is old and wise. As they come to the top of the hill, they look down and see a herd of cows at the bottom of the hill on the other side. The young bull turns to the old bull and says: "Let's run down there and screw some cows!" The old bull patiently looks at the young bull and replies; "No son; let's WALK down there and screw some cows".

2. A father and his seven year old son are taking a walk and the boy is asking his dad all kinds of questions about the world around them. The father has decided to be totally honest with his son and to answer all of his questions as truthfully as he can. Later on their walk, they come across two dogs mating. The boy promptly asks his dad what the dogs are doing. Somewhat embarrassed, but commited to being honest; the father tells him that the dogs are making puppies.

Late that night; the boy hears sounds coming from his parents bedroom and he walks into the room to investigate. He finds his father on top of his mother, in the midst of making love. He asks them what they are doing; and the father, red-faced, tells him that they are making him a little brother or sister. The boy thinks about this for a second and turns to leave. He then stops, turns back and asks his mother to turn around and get on all fours. The parents are shocked and ask him why.....the little boy responds that he'd rather have them make a puppy instead of younger brother or sister...

I must say this joke page is pretty damn successful. Anyone hear any good Chuck Norris jokes?

I haven't got a Chuck norris joke but I do have this:

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out. So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened. The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans. The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''

The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"

An oldy but a goody!